The next victim on the Hollywood hit list of live-action video game adaptations is Sonic The Hedgehog. A series I’ve grown up with and still adore, as much as I can within reason, to this day. The plot is something about Sonic being a bad boy, befriending a cop, and then a slew of fast pace antics occur. It will star James Marsden and Tika Sumpter as the male and female lead. And possibly feature Jim Carrey as Dr. Robotnik.
So in an attempt to save this dumpster fire from getting too out of control. I have done some research and came up with the perfect cast for the live action Sonic the Hedgehog movie. If it’s going to be horrible then at least we can do the characters some justice.
Jaleel White as Sonic the Hedgehog
For those who don’t know, Jaleel played Steve Urkel in Family Matters, but more importantly, he laid down the foundation of Sonic’s attitude. Remember those classic Sonic cartoons from the 90s? No? Then take your butt to Netflix! For everyone else that was all Jaleel. He was Sonic in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic SatAm), and Sonic Underground.
So who better to play Sonic in the movie than the one who gave life to the radical attitude, chilidog loving, and animal activist Sonic we all know and love. So listen here Paramount. Sonic Says cast Jaleel White as Sonic, or we are going to have some problems.
Michael Cera as Miles “Tails” Prower
Before I make my case, you already know this makes perfect sense. I think Micheal Cera is a solid actor, and he proved he could do video game culture justice in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. In every role, he portrays a socially awkward kid with a heart of gold. He is a very likable and non-threaten person, and even though he has leadership qualities. He usually ends up following someone else’s lead. Despite the fact, he has a better skills set than the main hero.
Now, whom was I talking about? Michael Cera or Tails? Exactly!
Dwayne Johnson as Knuckles the Echidna
Knuckles is a complex character. He’s a strong warrior, the last of his people, hard-headed, and sometimes does stupid things for the right reasons. So basically every role Dwayne Johnson has ever played in his career including The Rock. Besides being the apparent muscle, Johnson is excellent for this role because of his experience. He has been in many animated characters from the forgettable Captain Charles T. Baker in Planet 51 to Maui in the Disney blockbuster Moana.
At the end of the day, it’s Dwayne “The Tooth fairy” Johnson. The man can put on a tutu, survive Jumanji, and put the smack down on your candy ass. Who else could be a more viable Knuckles?!?
Danny DeVito as Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik
Jim Carrey is in talks with Paramount to play Robotnik. Carrey is cool, but this is a step in the wrong direction. While Carrey could pull it off, Danny DeVito would be the better Eggman. He was robbed when he wasn’t cast to play detective Pikachu, so we owe him one. Plus let’s be honest. Who looks more like an egg?
Mr. DeVito has already prorated many round characters like the Penguin from Batman, and a human M&M in a super bowl ad. His portrayal as Frank in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is already 80% Robotnik anyway. If he could, he would stuff the whole bar in animal robot creatures, and watch them run around for his amusement.
Christian Bale as Shadow the Hedgehog
No one has done a better portrayal of the Dark Knight than Christian Bale. That’s common knowledge at this point. On top of that Bale did a phenomenal job as Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle. So he has mastered how to be a dark brooding anti-hero and a mostly black animated character.
So let’s draw the parallels to Bale’s most famous character. Shadow witnessed his family members murdered, used guns despite it breaking character, and usually has to remind people how tragic his life is every five minutes. Christian Bale may not be the Hedgehog we deserve, but the Hedgehog we need!
Cardi B as Rouge the Bat
OG fans of Sonic the Hedgehog will see this movie on principle alone, but drawing in the younger crowd is going to be a problem. The film will need someone currently relevant and famous to pull them in, and Cardi B is that person okurrr.
I’m convinced that she and Rouge are the same person. Rouge the Bat loves jewels, and Cardi loves making money moves. Cardi loves red bottoms, and Rouge has kicked many things to death, so she does too. Cardi got diamonds shining all over her body, and Rouge the Bat stole the Chaos and Master emeralds. At this point maybe Rouge the Bat needs to play Cardi B.
With this cast of people, I’m confident this dumpster fire will quell down to a small burning pile of trash, or even dare I say be good. Either way, I have given Paramount Pictures all the Chaos Emeralds. It’s up to them what they do with them. We already have copious amounts of bad Sonic games. Let us not add a movie to that list.