I miss the good ol days when they were slow and actually 'Ate' your brains

”Who died and made you f**king king of the zombies?”

‘Shaun of the Dead’

Zombies, a humbling subject. Now I know that every person on the planet is either fixated on zombies, homosexual vampires or Morgan freeman right now. But I have something that’s really ‘grinding my gears’ about the mindless rotting flesh bodies that used to be the so called zombie.

Zombies by definition are: a creature that appears in books, films and popular culture. That is typically a reanimated Corpse, or a human being who is being controlled by someone else by use of magic. Stories of zombies originated in the West African spiritual belief system of Voodoo, which told of the people being controlled as laborers by a powerful wizard. Zombies became a Popular device in modern Horror fiction, largely because of the success of George .A. Romero’s 1968 film Night of the Living Dead.

So why ‘OH’ why is it that the zombie has changed so much, from the slow moving and incredibly stupid flesh mongerers that we used to know and love? I grew up on the ideals of Honesty, Integrity and the fact that if a zombie uprising began. Whether it be from; a infected bite from a radioactive monkey, Voodoo, Brain Parasites, Neurotoxins, The Real Rage Virus, Neurogenesis, Nanobots or some hyper strain of Super-Aids. That with them being movementally and intellectually challenged, I could easily survive. All id need is supplies, high ground, and Protection…Wait! Would i need condoms? hmmmmm, there might be another female survivor. Nice! Oh and id need a gun or blunt weapon, Obviously.

But then there was upset in my zombie paradise filled heart, when zombies turned…well, normal. What kinda world do I live in, when a zombie suddenly learns to run. Not only that, but apparently Zombies are also prone to alot of mutation. And my personal Favourite, now they don’t even eat you. GIRL SAY WHAA! Apparently Zombies don’t need sustenance now, and don’t rely on there basic instincts. Either this or they all grew up playing Violent Video Games *Wink*. Just look at the new zombie, running around hitting people. It sounds more like a toddler then a flesh eating sub-human.

The true Idea of a Zombie is really no more in the modern world. Its now just a blood shoot eyed anger management patient, who likes to kick and punch people for no reason. Somewhere along the line, we as zombie fans lost our moral compass. We saw the frail symbol of horror, and we warped it. Warped it so much its now just a shell of what it once was. So please people. I implore you, as a man of science(fiction). Can we get back to the way it used to be. Think of ‘Bob’ from Day of the Dead, remind yourselves of the blue-ish zombies of Dawn of the Dead. Recapture the Romero Zombie and forget all other alterations. Because if the zombie uprising happens, and its not super fun due to them being brain-dead. Shoot me first. As I don’t hold even the first rule to stay alive in a running zombie universe

Rule #1 – Cardio

Yep, Us fatties will be First to Go.

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