9 Extremely Unlikely VGA Headlines

Spike’s Video Game Awards are just around the corner and the entire industry is buzzing with lots of logical speculation. The problem is, logic can be quite boring at times. Logic only makes for sensible conclusions. When you want radical results, you have to start thinking stupid. You’ve gotta embrace the potential absurdities and inject a little rational madness into proceedings. Trust me, when none of these predictions come true, i’ll be proclaimed a pioneer by pretty much no-one everyone.

Sony Unveil The Playstation 4!

Sony decide to reveal their latest gaming behemoth at the VGAs rather than E3 in an effort to strengthen their indie credentials. The Playstation 4 uses a “New-Age-Retro” design philosophy that looks backwards for inspiration. Wired controllers, sub-sub HD resolution (450p), a Red-ray floppy disk drive and twin coal-powered AC adapters are just some of the features it will be touting. Sony claim the industry is “saturated” and that they need to create a profitable niche in order to survive. They also announced a price: $799 dollars. Excluding season-pass.

Hideo Kojima Is Making Metal Gear Rising!

Hideo Kojima announces he is taking charge of MGS: Rising. All of it. Kojima alone is handling the game’s production, direction, art, sound, gameplay, level design, A.I., voice acting and motion capture. This comes after he famously said that Metal Gear: Peace Walker would be his last involvement in the series.  Koj believes his plans are “ambitious” but claimed that he just “couldn’t walk away”. He also coined the phrase “TransTasking” to describe the game’s revolutionary development process. MGS: Rising is expected to be released in 2016 and will apparently last around half an hour; 20 minutes of which will be cut-scenes.

GTA 5 Protagonist Revealed!

 

Commander Shepard Is a Dad!

Yes, Shepard’s multi-specie sexual escapades have finally caught up with him as Liara announces she’s pregnant. Players find out halfway through Mass Effect 3 and are forced to buy nappies from the Citadel. It’s just a shame that Shepard eventually gives Liara the cold shoulder in favour of getting jiggy with a kinky Krogan. Old habits die hard.

Epic’s New Game Is Unreal Tournament 4- And It’s Kinect only!

(No wonder they were afraid to show it…)

Cliff Bleszinski demonstrated the game on stage looking inexplicably more ridiculous than the Ghost Recon man at E3. He promptly broke down in tears and hasn’t been seen since.

Hitman Absolution Involves Cross Dressing!

Agent 47 infiltrates a ladies-only nightclub and is forced to dress up in a pink frilly dress with matching heels. 47 manages to minimise suspicion by using sultry red lipstick and giant Lady-Gaga-style hat. His bar code was still oddly visible though…

Half Life 3 Is Coming!

Valve say the game will be released when people stop asking about when the game will be released. The Internet imploded in confusion. All that remained were burnt cat carcasses and a slew of undying memes.

Lair 2 is Announced!

Sony used extensive focus testing to find out that people liked Skyrim. They thought this must be because of the all the dragons. So in the interest of good business, they decided commission Lair 2 and set a tentative 2012 release date. The game will use dual Playstation Move controllers, allowing players to direct their onscreen character by physically flapping like a dragon. They can also squawk into the microphone for extra bonus points. Bethesda were later seen pissing themselves with laughter.

Assassin’s Creed 5 to be Set In Space!

A 500 year-old Ezio is reanimated in order to fight the evil the Space Pope, who has stolen the Banana of Eden and is hiding in Saturn’s Rings. Ezio eventually comes across an alien called Treonardo De Flinchi who crafts all kinds of improbable space gadgets that he can use against the Pope’s evil minions. The game’s tagline is “Less Stealth Than Ever Before!” as Ubisoft promise to deliver both hard-hitting action and deep historical accuracy. They also confirm the existence of mutiplayer which now includes vehicles, rocket jumps, plasma swords and hadokens.

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