Choose Your Side… The One to Go with Your Star Wars Burger

Would you like Jedis with that shake?

“Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace 3D” is invading Europe, and fast-food chain Quick is commemorating the arrival by adding three Star Wars-themed burgers to their menu. The marketing campaign–which compels hungry, option-laden customers to “Choose your side of the Force”–features pictures of their sinister “Dark Vador” [sic] burger and mildly-rebellious “Dark Burger” pitted against a comparably angelic and acid-washed version of both.

I sense a disturbance in my stomach.

The intergalactic items’ ingredients have yet to be determined, but mirroring its ambiguous components after the foreign traits of Star Wars characters may just be part of the French restaurants’ master plan. “The Dark Vador” burger, whose frighteningly charred-looking bun could have easily emerged from the banks of Mustafar itself, appears to encompass a volcanic concoction of two beef patties, sliced red jalapenos, thousand-island dressing, and a slice of jack cheese. The culinary fusion of McDonalds’s “Big Mac” with Burger King’s “Angry Whopper” could be its terrestrial equivalent (“big” and “angry” being common denominators).

The alternative “Dark Burger” apparently doesn’t warrant the Vader namesake, yet the sandwich shares the same double beef-pattied clout of its counterpart. The toasted sesame or poppy seed-speckled top could be implying Annakin’s transition to the Dark Side, while two slices of jack cheese convey the inevitable decision to rebel.

“The Jedi Burger” touts a paradoxical harmony of both caloric indulgence and flavor abomination. A refined flour-dusted bun presides atop what appears to be a bed of marshmallows, two beef patties, a single slice of American cheese and mustard seed-dotted mayo. Other possible toppings may be chopped garlic, chunky onions or bits of a different cheese, but something about marshmallows sweetens the purity of this otherwise unadulterated burger.

In fact, make that a diet Yoda.

The food coloring-infused black bun of “The Dark Vador” doesn’t stray far from American-based Taco Bell’s concept of dyeing taco shells red for its coincidentally inferno-inspired “Volcano Taco”. Let’s not forget there are such things as chocolate-covered bacon and peanut butter burgers here in the States. Quick’s gimmick of integrating the Star Wars franchise with their menu, even if only through March 1st, is as alluring as the toy at the bottom of a Happy Meal. The only thing missing is a fourth option of a Wookie burger, just to ensure that there is a selection for each chamber of our hearts.

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